My children didn’t see the point of taking a bath from time to time. I said, get enough dirt on you and grass will grow. Didn’t work. I said, then cows will come and eat the grass and poop on you. They wavered. I said, enough dirt and the funeral people will come to bury the dead on you.
The Child Services folk are still investigating me. They’ve already recommended a good psychologist.
Malarkey – a type of jam made with a certain species of small bird. The company that makes it uses the byline, “Made the way ma made it.” Excellent on toast with hogwash.
If you own a rocket you must register the rocket. If you go to the moon with it you must file a flight plan. If you find Martians on the moon you are to warn authorities in case of invasion. Same goes for Venusians, which are not to be confused with Venetians. Although if you find any of them on the moon, you are to warn authorities also, in case of invasion. We already have enough gondolas.
At the biblical show-and-tell today, there was Noah displaying two of each, and Solomon showing off many wives, while Job stood by the blackboard bitching about his lot in life, and Lot of course, with his pillar of salt, while Joshua stopped the sun and Moses parted all the desks in the room. And yes, let’s not forget
Adam and Eve, who were showing, well, everything.
At the North Pole
At the North Pole stands an actual pole. Atop it sits a bright winking light. Worried, Mrs. Claus put it there to help Santa and Rudolph find their way home when they close down the bars. Or didn’t you realize that’s why they both have red noses?
Philosophy of Beavers
The philosophy of beavers is this. Gnaw your tree well, and when it topples, be sure to stand aside. Build your dam strong, and when you walk it, don’t fall off into the shallow part—there be rocks. Build your house tall, and don’t forget to make a door and plenty of mud slides. Then bring home the whole beaver; not just a piece of tail.
The Goldilocks and the Three Bears story has been edited down over the years to make it more acceptable to children. In the original story Goldilocks is
never satisfied. Everything is either too hot or too cold, too big or too small, too soft or too hard—and while she stands there bitching, oblivious of the time, the three bears come home and eat her up. They find her just right.
Jerks Like Me
I was in my car at the crosswalk gunning my motor and raging silently at a bent old lady crossing the street. I was wondering if I’d have to get out of the car and help her along with a tire iron, when God appeared to me. “The reason why I created hearts that can suffer heart attacks,” shouted God, all red in the face, “is so jerks like you don’t have to live out your allotted lifespan.”