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  • Paul Beckman

I Love My Wife, But I Don't Take Her Calls

I Love My Wife but

I Don’t Take Her Calls

My wife called and since I don’t take her calls she left me a message even though she knows I don’t listen to her messages either. There’s a reason before you get all anti-husband on me.

I did call her back to tell her I’d be late for dinner.

“Hi Hon, how’s your day going?” she asked. “Did you have lunch yet? Not fast food, I hope. Do you remember that nice Italian restaurant we went to on the Cape a couple of years ago? Well, I took a book of matches to remember it when we left and put it in the big glass vase with the other books of matches from restaurants we go to. When I walked into our den to read I saw that the sun was hitting right on the vase when I sat down. About ten minutes later I heard a kind of popping noise and I looked up and that book of matches from the Italian restaurant on the Cape was on fire and the heat must’ve caused the vase to crack and then all of the other match books were on fire. Yes, the fire spread. That noise is the fire engine from the next town over. Yes, our house is on fire. Why do you think I’m calling you? I’m across the street on Geisler’s front lawn watching. Yes, I think you should hang up and come home. That’s why I’m calling you. Why else did you think?”

—Paul Beckman


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